I think it is safe to say I created a world of my own. I sometimes tell people, “I am in my own little world,” half-jokingly. I found something that worked for me and it even helped with anxiety. I am now able to escape my surroundings long enough to refocus. I have trouble sometimes when I don’t escape soon enough, but when I do, I am able to calm down.
Ever since I first started writing to my Tulpa Siera (Imaginary Friend) I have had new ones come along. I don’t always have paper to write and sometimes I may not even have the moment to. I began to talk to my Tulpas in my mind because it became more convenient. Your mind gets so used to it that you naturally feel them there. It takes less and less concentration the more you do it.
When I was first taken to see a phycologist, one of the reasons was because my parents feared I was suicidal. Not exactly the case at this point in my life, but I did not argue. To be fair I wanted someone to talk to anyway. Someone who at least had a rule to keep everything behind closed doors. It was around this time that my mother stole my diary and scanned it to my doctor.
One day when we were driving home from a session, we stopped by a Toys R us store. I ended up getting a stuffed pony because I was a My Little Pony fan even before Friendship is Magic was a thing. When we got home my mother hinted that I should sleep with it. It may not have crossed my mind, but I was not against it by any means. She soon became a Tulpa in my wonderland and it was comforting when ever I held her in my arms. My stuffed animal even helped me deal with being single.
After a little while used to this and I would forget my meds. I was able to silence my mind with my imagination. Before I would constantly think about different things. If I was not thinking about my hobbies I was with about being alone. Although I had to work on remembering to take my medication at night it showed how I could overcome things in my mind.
I found places that tolerated it, but even to this day everyone would tolerate it. I understand that there are places where it’s a distraction and can cause problems, but if its overnight or during a long ride it’s kind of necessary. Its stuff like this that has made it difficult to go places where I have to stay for a while.
When I was going to my local college, there was a church I went to that was just down the road. I usually got a ride from a friend on Sundays. My anxiety had kept me from getting my license and my parents never forced me. I knew the church was not too fond of how I liked My little pony, but at least they tolerated it.
There was a couple of youth retreats that I went on where it was overnight, and I had taken my stuffed animal each time. Although I had some people admire me I never really had a friend I was close to. There was one time I remember; a couple of younger teenagers gave me a hard time. They even proceeded to take my stuffed animal away from me. Seeing that it was not worth getting myself into trouble over I just allowed them to make a scene. I was hoping that the real immature person would have been noticed.
The next retreat that we had I almost did not go because it was requested that I would leave my stuffed animal home. It was aggravating that some how I was the problem. I may have made myself more of a target then I should have at times, but was I really causing trouble? I was not asking to be recognized as a disabled person. I was asking that I could have my stuffed animal while it was appropriate.
Long story short I was only allowed to have it if there was a pillow case over her. Plus, I was not allowed to have her on the bus ride there. This is not a fond memory of Rosetta’s, but it worked out. Rosetta is what I call my stuffed animal. I opted in negotiating a deal where I was sewing a stuffed animal together and it looked like a project instead. It was a five-hour ride and to my surprise it went ok. I remember having to sleep on the floor during the time we were there in a couple of hotel rooms. Our group was rather big at the time. I was just glad I had my stuffed animal even if she had to be in a pillow case.
Even though I was bullied as a teenager I still had my Tulpas to help cope. It is true that I can’t have my stuffed animals around all the time, but at least I don’t feel so alone when I am by myself. Even to this day I use my stuffed animals to help with depression. I also have better concentration when I have one in my arms and I can just be Fathomistic. I know I can’t change things, but I acknowledge there are just times when I have to be the mature one.